Monday, September 6, 2010

Random Dozen

1. What was the last thing about which you procrastinated?
Doing some numbers for a report at work!!!! They are finished now, yikes.

2. How long does it take you to fall asleep, and do you sleep through the night?
About 1/2 an hour. I must watch TV in order to fall asleep.

3. Which decade would you choose to exemplify your favorite fashion styles?
The 90's because the 80's were....well you know.

4. What is your personal best dish to feed a crowd?
Lasagna or a whole chicken with potatoes and carrots.

5. Are you an impulse shopper? What was the last thing you bought on impulse?
I usually impulse buy for the grandkids. But when you find that great deal you have to buy it, right???

6. What is one wish you have for your own funeral?
Beautiful flowers and funny stories.

7. If it's true that joy is in found in the simple things in life, what does your joy look like today?
Being alone and not hearing doors slamming or yelling because the game is good. Silence lately is golden for me.

8. What is your favorite type of bread?

9. What trait do you fear developing the most? (Laziness, greediness, grumpiness, etc.)

10. What trait would you like most to develop?
Trust in others

11. Which room in your house best reflects your personality? Why?
One of my spare rooms, it is black and white. I took lots of time making that room look good and money. I often go sit in there because it is just pretty and serene.

12. How do you maintain balance in your life regarding, work, family, church, other organizations and activities, and blogging?
Sometimes, I don't do so well at it. I have to say blogging is the last thing I will do which is why mine can be neglected so much and sometimes I don't like to post certain things in real time as not to cause someone to put two and two together.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

My health intertwines with life

Hello All--

I haven't been on here in a few days and just realized that the auto post I set up never posted. Thanks auto post....Grrrr

Been exhausted lately, sometimes the pain is overwhelming and other times it gives me a break.
I have had a break for a few days now. I know that the pain really drains me and the meds don't help as much as I think they should. But who am I to ask for another damn

I am looking forward to and dreading some life changing events with my health which will effect or better yet change my life. As the two intertwine I take another deep breath. Blood work has been so horrible and I am expecting the Dr. to put a hold on the biggest most important thing in my life once again. It is understandable and there is nothing I can say or do this time to compromise or fight for. My fight is over, I have no energy to fight anymore. I am accepting this decision before I even see the Dr. It hurts but it is truly a matter of life or death.....and as much as I feel like I have a foot in the grave on a daily basis I am happy to be alive.

I know there are going to be a few tests and a procedure in my future as well. Updates will happen as these results come back.

Been catching up on some movies lately. I have look at three since last night. I would recommend...Caught in the Crossfire. It's a drama with a twist, my favorite kind.

Well I need to go check on my food and see why my post didn't post.

Have a great weekend

Sunday, August 29, 2010


I know it's been a while but you know that means something new is going on.

I have found out that my blood clots have caused some significant lung damage. It has put me in lots of pain lately. So I have kept things at a minimum.

This may change a few things that I have going on in my future which will be life changing. I will let you know how that all goes as it unfolds.

I have been doing an online support group with

It has been nice to connect with ladies who have been or are going through the same thing in reference to having a gay husband. I purchased Bonnie Kaye's book called, Straight Wives Shattered Lives. It was an amazing read. Seeing myself and some of my actions was surreal. Also seeing how other ladies have reacted and lived with these men.

The grandkids are growing like weeds.

Until next time everyone.....

Btw, I have been hit with some spam in my comments and I may have to turn off my anonymous comments. So if you want to contact me use my email if you want to stay anonymous.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Guest Post on 8-11

I will be a guest poster on 8-11 at the

Stop by if you can.

Choc Drop

Monday, August 9, 2010

Touching base...

Alas, another visit to the ol' Emergency Room. Maybe I should work there. Then my visits would just coincide with my work hours????!!!!!

I am doing ok, just having to take it easy. Nothing life-threatening just another pill...for a few

I will have another post this week and I will let you know more in a couple days.


Saturday, July 31, 2010

I finally found help, maybe you can too.

Today has been enlightening. I finally found something that I have needed for the past couple of years.

This site is about straight women who think or know that they are married to a Gay Man. This is not an easy situation to deal with and it can turn your world upside down.

Bonnie Kaye has support groups, radio blog, and written books on this topic. I have not had the pleasure to read one of her books but I will have one on the way in a day or so.

So readers if you know someone or think you know someone please pass this information on. Or even email me.

Thank you

Thursday, July 22, 2010

It's been awhile, I know

I last posted about some life-threatening events. They really hurt my heart for a while. Been trying to map out my future with all the delays.
Working on being more positive. As always, work presents its little obstacles. Some days I feel super confident about my job and then other times I worry that this economy will have me jobless. This would be a problem with all the plans I am making.
My youngest grandson has turned a year old. He is the cutest thing. I can't believe it has been a year. But I love to see those little ones grow and learn.

I really want this blog to become more positive. With that said I have not posted much because I want to turn this around. I know that this is what makes me stronger but I am trying to get myself back to the positive, out-going person I used to be.

Until next time...I will be catching up as time allows.
Have a great day....crap I better get some more sleep work beacons rather early.

Choc Drop

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Everything happens for a reason, right???

I have had some more trauma in my life in the past month which is why I haven't blogged much here.
Sometimes I want to truly believe that everything happens for a reason, but when it is a constant road block over and over again I begin to question these things. Have I not learned enough from all these events and when will this end.
I have been in the hospital with life-threatening blood was caught early but still required about a week in the hospital. I had a big life-altering announcement I was going to make but this event made the announcement no longer possible until maybe next year....very heartbreaking for me. I am really surprised that I have any tears left in my tear ducts.
Been trying to put on a happy smile and push myself forward, it has been hard. I have missed a lot not being here.
So as I pick myself back up I will be getting back into the groove of reading, writing, and commenting.
Hope someone is still out here wanting to read my story......

Monday, May 24, 2010

Get to know more about me is where I stole this from. Love ya

1. Do you have a fetish?
Not that I'm aware of.

2. Do you sing in the shower?
No singing in the shower.

3. Who was your first crush?
OMG, that was a long time ago. I will go with this one. A guy when I was 14, named Jerry. He could play the guitar and since, had long brown hair and cute smile.

4. What do you think is the best manly trait a guy could have?
Physically-a nice chest.
Mentally-one who can think for himself.
A man who takes pride in what he looks like, personal grooming--beard trimmed, manscaped, and smells good.

5. What do you do when (you think) no one is looking?
There is ALWAYS someone watching even if you can't see them.

6. What's the first thing you do when you go online?
Check my blog then check my email.

7. Summer is.....?
A time I love to sit out in the sunshine while it is still cool and sip on something cool like iced tea and BBQ.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Random Dozen

1. Please share one memory of your high school graduation. Pics would be great!
I have no pics to share. I remember partying all night at a hotel. That was over 20 years ago and that is all I can remember.

2. What is one "emergency use" item you keep in your vehicle at all times?
Jumper Cables and blankets. I have been stuck on a Toll Road for hours during a winter storm with a dying battery (and I accidentally turned off the engine when I stopped to catch a nap)--not fun.

3. In your region, do you celebrate graduation open houses?
If so, I am unaware.

4. Tell me one truth you believe about motherhood.
It is the toughest job you will ever have.

5. What was the last thing you broke?
My earphones for my blackberry.

6. On average, how many pieces of junk mail do you receive daily?
At least one to two.

7. Do you like to shop by catalog?
I don't because you can't see length, feel fabric and it is hard to judge if it will really be comfortable.

8. Is lawn maintenance at your house a "his job," a "her job" or "his/her job" or "that's why we have teenagers" job?
His job, I have incredibly horrible allergies.

9. Which room would you like to redecorate in your home?
The kitchen. There has been no colors picked out, the appliances don't match, and don't get me started on the counter space.

10. Do you read a newspaper regularly, or do you read most of your news on line?
I get most from being online.

11. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Yes, I do as much as I hate that sometimes. I do like the fact that I am looking for what I will learn from it all.

12. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
I am more worried about doing things right. Unfortunately today people are watching and waiting for you to screw up. It sucks.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Random Dozen

Check em out:

1. Have you ever been so lost that you were really afraid?
I was with someone in another city and state and it was late and I knew that we were in a rough neighborhood. I kept asking if he knew where we were and of course he said he did, but he fessed up later that he didn't.

2. Have you ever been to an island?
I have not had the pleasure of an island, yet.

3. Are you more of a thinker or feeler?
Man, I am truly a thinker.

4. Do you tend to see issues or situations in life as black and white or shades of gray?
I tend to see things in black and white. I realize this sometimes when I have ideas about things I hadn't thought about other issues. I am working on this though.

5. If you were stuck on an island, what book would you hope to have with you (Let's pretend the Bible is already there, so you can't say that.)
A Stephen King book. I am not much for just sitting and reading a book but I at least know his books are awesome and long.

6. What are you most afraid of?
Right now....TRUST is something I am wrestling with right now. I have been burned/hurt so much that right now it is easier for me to cut myself off then to put any effort into someone or something. I do not like this about me right now but it is where I feel safe at the moment.

7. Would you rather lose all of your old memories or never be able to make new ones?
I would lose all my old memories as much as they mean to me I can't image not making new ones.

8. Pretend I'm looking at a scrapbook page about you. There are three spaces for you to drop in individual pictures. What are those pictures of, and why did you select them?
Niagra Falls--where I want to visit. I love the water!
Bowling on a League--I love bowling and with my back I can't lift a bowling ball anymore.
Me with ALL my grandkids--they are the light of my life.

9. If you were re-doing your wedding, what would you do differently? (If you're single, tell me one thing you would do if you were planning a wedding OR huge party.)
I would hope that the friends that went with me would drag me back home and not put myself through what I have been through. I am very serious about that statement!!!

10. Tell me one thing you know/believe about forgiveness.
That people forgive, but they don't forget.

11. You're waiting in a doctor's office. What is your favorite way to pass that time?
Thank goodness for my Blackberry to pass the time. Usually texting or checking blogs.

12. If there were a clone of you in a parallel universe what is one way you hope she/he would be the same as you and one way you hope she/he would be better?
I would hope they would have the spirit and positive attitude I used too have.
I would hope they would be better by taking care of herself better than I have.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Things about me

Again my friend at let me steal it. xoxo

1. If you could star in any movie genre..what would it be..romance..horror..comedy..suspense or action?
I would love to be in a comedy or suspense movie. Those are my two favorite kinds of movies: Comedy because of the laughter
Suspense because of mind gets going and of course the ultimate twist at the end.

2. Do you recycle?
I do not.

3. Have you ever been to a strip club?
I have been to a few strip clubs. My favorite experience in one was with my girl 'L'. She knew how to have a good time and between the two of us we could drink some alcohol at that time. There were nights we could put back $150 on the bar tab.
One night we decided to get lap dances together and we were sitting next to each other on a couch and my girl had never given a girl a lap dance before and might I say damn. I am not sure which one of us had the most fun but she got me going. L was next to me and watched us the whole time because she was

4. Do you have a nickname?
Jess, Jesse and Chica

5. What's a name you can't stand to be called?

6. What are your Summer staples?
A light breeze, BBQ and friends

7. What was the last thing you bought for yourself?
Candles and movies

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Short update

I am finally feeling better, got the meds I needed yesterday and I have felt like a new woman!!!!

I want to let you guys know I have been reading your blogs pretty faithfully lately but I have not been responding. It is to hard to respond on my BB. Sometimes I have tried and no success because it won't bring up the link to Post a comment.
I have been lucky enough to be online for a short time this morning. I have had a few things to catch up on things here as well.

Medically I have some things going on I am doing some tests for....I also have a new thing that I am avoiding with my doctor...NO new diagnosis for me until I am ready.

I will touch base in a few days as I hope to be able to log on again soon. Must get my email cleaned out if I can still stay on.

Hugs to everyone

Sunday, April 18, 2010


It has been a long week. The pollen count has been unbelievably high!
My allergies have taken over my life. I don't think there is enough benedryl to fix this. I have managed to stay out of the emergency room and doctors office. I will admit I am going to one of them tomorrow. I need stronger meds and more intervention.
Let the runny nose and itchy eyes stop and let the breathing begin.
Good luck to all who suffer allergies like me.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

2009 Survey Part 2

2009: Wrap Up.

Q: Was 2009 a good year
A: It was another life altering year. It was full of bad news. It can only get better, right???

Q: Did 2009 bring any new insights?:
A: Yes, it brought about some strengths and weakness I have.

Q: Do you think 2010 will top 2009?:
A: I can only hope 2010 will be better. I have something on the horizon that will make it better but you know how the stars and moon have to

I confess that in 2009 I...
( ) stayed single for the whole year
( ) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
( ) kissed in the rain
(x) had your heart broken
(x) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
(x) mooned someone
(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x) had a good relationship with someone.
(x) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
(x) had/have a relationship with someone you'll never forget
(x) done something you've regretted
( ) kissed under mistletoe
( ) painted a picture
( ) wrote a poem
( ) ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch or Aeropostale
( ) posted a blog on MySpace
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) went to a sleepover
(x) went camping
( ) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
(x) lost something/someone important to you
( ) lied about how old you were
( ) prank called someone
(x) broke a promise
(x) lied
(x) cried over a broken heart
(x) disappointed someone close
(x) hid a secret
(x) pretended to be happy
( ) slept under the stars
( ) kept your new years resolution
( ) forgot your new years resolution
(x) met someone who changed your life
( ) met one of your idols
(x) changed your outlook on life
(x) sat home all day doing nothing
( ) pretended to be sick
( ) left the country
( ) almost died
(x) given up on something/someone important to you
( ) lost something expensive
(x) learned something new about yourself
(x) tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
(x) made a change in your life
(x) found out who your true friends were
(x) met great people
(x) stayed up til sunrise
(x) cried over the silliest thing
( ) was never home on weekends
( ) got into a car accident
(x) had friends who were drifting away from you
(x) had someone close to you die
(x) had a high cell phone bill
( ) spent most of your money on food
( ) had a fist fight
( ) went to the beach with your best friend
( ) saw a celebrity
(x) gotten sick
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(x) became closer with a lot of people

Saturday, April 10, 2010

2009 Survey Part 1

You're suppose to answer the questions in regards to things in 2009. I wonder if I can actually remember some things...

This was a long post so I split it up into two posts, so the second will come within a day or so of this posting.

Again my friend is the inspiration for this post.

2009:In the beginning

Q: Where did you go on New Years?
A: I was home. It is my movie marathon weekend.

Q: Who were you with?
A: Roommate

Q: Did you make any resolutions?:
A: No, I didn't want to start anything I would not finish.

2009: Friends and Enemies

Q: Did you meet anyone special?
A: I met a few.

Q: Did you meet any new friends this year?:
A: There were a couple.

Q: Did you dislike anyone?:
A: Oh yes.

Q: Did you make any new enemies?:
A: I made an enemy or two. Some people can't handle the truth.

Q: Did you resolve any fights?
A: Not necessarily resolve a fight but reunited with a few people.

Q: Who was your closest friends throughout the year?:
A: My BFF, LC, and Alex.

Q: Who did you grow apart from?:
A: No one I can mention here, but I wish they understood.

Q: Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
A: Yes, I put a lot of pressure on them or should I say I have held them higher than they should have been.

2009: Your BIRTHDAY!

Q: Did you have a cake?
A: I didn't, that is not unusual.

Q: What did you do for your birthday?
A: I am sure I took the day off. I think roommate took me to dinner.

Q: Did you have a party?
A: No

Q: Did you get any presents?
A: I always get me a present!!!! A tattoo.

Q: If so what was the best thing you got?:
A: The sad part is I don't remember. I do remember getting some horrible, awful, bad news two before that I will never forget.

2009: All about YOU

Q: Did you change at all this year?:
A: Oh yes I did. I am not sure I like the changes but they happened.

Q: Did you dye your hair?:
A: No way

Q: Did you get your hair cut?:
A: Oh yes, I cut it super short and I love it. I was also surprised how many good compliments I received about it.

Q: Did you change your style?:
A: If you are referring to fashion, no I didn't.

Q: Were you in school?:
A: No, I wish I could find the money and motivation though.

Q: Did you have a job?:
A: I have a job that for the most part I like.

Q: Did you drive?:
A: Absolutely.

Q: Did anyone close to you give birth?:
A: Interesting question, both of my daughters gave birth in 2009. Both were boys.

Q: Did you move at all?:
A: No, but thought about it. I despise the commute.

Q: Did you go on any vacations?:
A: Oh I went a few little mini (weekend) vacations.
One was Arkansas, Oklahoma, Tennessee, St. Louis

Q: Did you leave the country at all?:
A: No, I am uncomfortable with that at this time. I do want to go to Germany.

Q: Would you change anything about yourself now?:
A: I would, I can and I will.

Friday, April 9, 2010

TGIF and I have been smiling

I have been doing my best to keep my head up. I have had a distraction for the past few days. All I can say is it makes me smile.
Since my revelation last week I have noticed a slight outlook change. I do have some other things on the horizon that I can't elaborate on just yet. I am anxiously awaiting some follow-up lab results.
Well it is late and my meds didn't kick in to knock me out. Time to find that one boring show to facilitate my need for some quality sleep.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

ABC'S of me

Found this on my friends blog...


B. BED SIZE: Finally I have my dream KING

C. CHORE YOU HATE: Dishes are revolting. Give me paper plates!!!

D. DOG'S NAME: Allergic to cats and dogs


F. FAVORITE COLOR: Red and black.

G. GOLD OR SILVER: Yellow Gold.

H. HEIGHT: 5'9"

I. INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY: Absolutely none lol. I would love to play piano. I have been told I have the fingers for it.

J. JOB: I am a NANA, mom, and office assistant.

K. KIDS: Two girls

L. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: An LARGE older 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 living areas, deck and 2 1/2 car garage


N. NICKNAME: Lady J, J dog, and naughty girl (snickering...those were the days).

O. OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAY: I have to put a ball park figure, it would be at least 40 times

P. PET PEEVE: Water on the floor, I walk around in my socks.

Q. QUOTE FROM A MOVIE: "Don't trust the one who saves you!" SAW VI.


S. SIBLINGS: I have a younger brother.

T. TIME YOU WAKE UP: Around 4am.

U. UNDERWEAR: What are those???


W. WAYS/REASONS YOU ARE LATE: Not estimating my time right.

X. XRAYS YOU'VE HAD: Teeth, wrists, chest, ankles, back, legs, and feet.

Y. YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE: Lasagna and baked beans.

Z. ZOO ANIMALS YOU LIKE: Oh wow......I have to think of the last time I went to a zoo!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Still amazing....

I am still feeling pretty darn good today.
Again I came home yesterday and just felt alive and rejuvenated. It is amazing to feel like this again.
I am worried about how I will feel when the roommate arrives back home today. But for now I am enjoying myself.
I took the day off a while ago when he planned his trip. I did it just to have a quiet day not realizing that I would not have had to take the day to have a great couple days. My BFF was suppose to be here too but that didn't work out.

Well I am off to curl up in bed and watch a movie and hopefully, accidentally take a nap.

I will have something to share don't go away yet.
p.s. and more posts coming too

Get to know me...

Another from my friend over at

Q: Who were you dating last December.
A: No one

Q: Does anyone NOT like you at the moment?
A: There is no doubt in my mind someone doesn't like me!

Q: Last person to call you beautiful?
A: I actually don't remember....aside from my kids.

Q: Do you hate it when people smoke around you?
A: Oh yes, it stinks so bad.

Q: Do you think age matters in relationships?
A: No age doesn't matter. If you two are adult enough about your relationship and communicate it wouldn't matter.

Q: Are promises important to you?
A: Yes, words that are spoken with any amount of commitment should be valued.

Q: Do you have a reason to smile right now?
A: Yes, I do. I got some tests results that were in my favor (for a change).

Q: What's something you really regret saying to someone?
A: Yes, I will marry you.

Q: Has anyone put their arms around you today?
A: NO, not in a long while (it's SAD)!

Q: Have you ever kissed someone with a lip or tongue ring?
A: Oh yes, a few with tongue rings.

Q: If the person you have feelings for started smoking, what would you do?
A: Oh, that would be a problem. They should be old enough to not start some nasty habit like that at their age.

Q: Can you last in a relationship for 6 months?
A: Oh yes, I can.

Q: Has anything upset you in the last week?
A: Yep, I had to tell someone something I hadn't told anybody outside of family and 2 close friends. It almost made me physically ill.

Q: Who was the last person you text before bed last night?
A: I will say SA (initials)

Q: Would you be more likely to fail Science or Math?
A: Science all the way.

Q: Are you one of those people who constantly check the time?
A: Nope.

Q: Is it ever too late to apologize?

Q: Can you forgive and forget?
A: I forgive but I NEVER forget.

Q: Has anyone said you have changed lately?
A: Oh absolutely. Not for the better, yet!

Q: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
A: Unfortunately I do!

Q: Do you ever think of certain people and wonder what the hell happened?
A: Oh no doubt and myself being one of them currently.

Q: Are you a mean person?
A: I am not but I am becoming that way or maybe bitter is a better word.

Q: If you could, what’s one thing that you’d take back from your past?
A: Damn, do I have to choose just one???? I mean I actually have two things. I will say only say one though and that is getting married.

Q: Have you ever kissed someone that had a tattoo?
A: Oh yes and looking forward to doing again!!!! *Wink*

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I feel amazing....

I know everyone you have not heard me say that. My roommate is gone for the next few days. I got home after he was already gone and the feeling I felt when I walked through the door was overwhelming.
I am taken back by this. I feel happy and I have walked and walked through this house.
At this moment I realize the pressure and stress this situation is and has been on me. I am feeling the price I am paying for something I so desperately need (will feel you in later).
I miss this feeling and I miss me. I am still here (I thought I had lost me)
I must be patient for this to be real again!!!!!
Smiling and glowing.....

Sunday, March 28, 2010

another day

I just realized that my one year blog anniversary has passed.
A disturbing thought crossed my mind the other day.....I haven't had sex in almost a year. That is just insane. How did this happen? How?????
I know this doesn't help all the emotions and things I have been going through. I would have never thought that would be an option in my life, ever. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. I had surgery and no life-threatening pathology reports. The consideration for another surgery has been looming, the process is slow but the benefit is life changing and life saving.
I constantly wonder about quality of life and where to go from here. I constantly wonder how long I can stand this roommate situation.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

broken glass

I am still having trouble getting on the internet with my laptop, so I am giving it a try on my blackberry.
Sometimes I can't decide if I am coming or going. Emotions so high and no release.
The title broken glass is an expression of what I am feeling. My glass is broken in most areas of my life, and sometimes when I feel the energy to help myself and pick up a piece, I get cut. All these little cuts are creating scars that I am scared may not heal. I want to heal, but now the journey is just something I do because I have to, not one I am enjoying or excited to see the healthy end.
The little bit of light that flickered off the glass is growing dim.
I question my strength to fight---i haven't completely given up, but I am so close and it seems so easy to do right now. Then I don't have to answer questions nor do I have to put on a face of the slighest bit of care. (And NO I have NO intentions of offing myself, NEVER would that be an option)
I want to believe I will get better and smile again, just not sure I want a new me. Change is envitable I know. But will I be bitter/angry/full of resentment as I am today and have been for more than a year????
Well I will sit and wait to see what the future holds....

Monday, March 8, 2010

Anxiety and online issues

I have been lucky enough to be able to actually get online. I tried all weekend and was not successful.
Work has been challenging, been training for a couple of weeks and teamwork is hard to come by lately.

On the verge of 2 potential surgeries and 1 confirmed within the next month. The confirmed one is just fixing some annoyance, but necessary. The other two will CHANGE my life. I am on pins and needles and anxiety is running high. The necessity of one of those is close to being a matter of life and death in my opinion. I wait impatiently!!!!

I am hoping to be enjoying the company of my BFF, very soon. Just come and stay forever, please????!!!! lol

And can I say damn those girl scout cookies......they are irresistable!!!! I really need to know why you can't just eat a few of the mints....I have only been able to eat a sleeve of them at a time, no matter my

Well it is late and I need to get to my comfy bed!!!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

I am still here!!!

It has been a long month.....and yes I have missed you all!!!
I have had more medical issues, again! I tell you what I am so tired of seeing and talking to doctors. Unfortunately, it is all REAL and not a figment of my imagination.

I would have been back sooner but my roommate got wireless internet (a couple months ago) and my laptop computer has gone to SHIT! It has gotten even worse in the past couple of weeks. Most of the time I can't even log on or it can't find the damn server. Anyway, you can see I am not a techy guru so I just go with it when I can get on.

Been feeling like a change is coming, but not sure what. I have been a little put off with some of the closest people to me. I know that I have really become withdrawn from most everyone and everything. This change I am feeling, I hope is going to be me coming out of this little box I have put myself in.

Well I have some breakfast cooking and I have been awake ALL night long......and NO it had nothing to do with SEX or alcohol (damn it)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Broken Heart/Justice Served

I have had my highest high and my lowest low today all within 4 hours of each other.

My Heart is broken....He, the one who has been in my life for over 7 years......says "I am sorry....You were the best"!!!! All I could feel were daggers hitting every possible part of my body.

(I had to tell him something, that I knew would change everything. It changed my life and it would change us.)

Mentally, I expected this the other day. But I tell you what, my heart was not prepared for this and is crushed. This was really going to be the end, WTF not yet. I never thought this was going to HURT this bad.

The last words were said by him..."We have a memory..most spend a lifetime fantasizing..we lived it."

Damn I am going to miss him like no other!!!!!! As I sit here crying, I appreciate him being honest with me.

On to the BEST news.
The legal matter I have been pretty vague about finally came to an end today. Pleading guilty were the words I have been waiting to hear. The bastard is going to jail for crimes he committed against my family. I wish the sentence was more but some justice will be served. Rot in hell!!!!

I need to take some time to bury my face in a pillow and scream.......I will update you with more things that are going on when I can keep my composure.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Hump day

Just thought I would drop in after a few bad days.

I am just an emotional wreck. This week started out bad with a work problem that I had to immediately fix bright and early monday morning.

Had a problem with some meds getting stuck in my throat. I have to admit that it is painful when it happens. I am ok, just a bit of a sore throat.

Anyway, I should be sleeping!!!!

Happy Hump Day

Sunday, January 3, 2010

No drug to ease this pain...

After I wrote my post the other day I kind of had a melt-down, dwelling on the things I am not able to do or fix at this time. I cried for a bit and felt sorry for myself.

At this very moment in my life...I am struggling with molestation, rape, and domestic violence against members of my family. It hurts to know these things and to hear about them.

I know that I can't change what has happened but what hurts the most is the loss of innocence. These crimes happened to children under the age of 17. Their lives are changed forever and so is mine. This bastard came in and changed how they will forever look at the world, took away trust, and added a fear within them that will always be there.

I am so scared of my feelings in all this, I am afraid of cracking when around the children, especially when I am one of the people they need to be a rock, a confidant, and a safe place. This is part of the reason I need to talk with someone. Yes, I have begun the process.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Opening up

I have been feeling so negative in the past year. I have tried so damn hard not to bring that FULLY here.

I believe that in the pursuit of trying to be positive I have become more withdrawn within myself. So as much as I did/do not want to make this a down and out blog. I am going to be honest with myself and let this take its course here. I know that means you will see more of the bad than usual. That is part of the reason why I have not blogged more regularly. I didn't want to show that negative girl that I have become.

So 2010 begins with me being more real even if it means that I am negative. I will find the real me let me rephrase that, I will find the new person who can deal with what life is throwing at me. I do feel like it is more than one person can really handle.