Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I feel amazing....

I know everyone you have not heard me say that. My roommate is gone for the next few days. I got home after he was already gone and the feeling I felt when I walked through the door was overwhelming.
I am taken back by this. I feel happy and I have walked and walked through this house.
At this moment I realize the pressure and stress this situation is and has been on me. I am feeling the price I am paying for something I so desperately need (will feel you in later).
I miss this feeling and I miss me. I am still here (I thought I had lost me)
I must be patient for this to be real again!!!!!
Smiling and glowing.....

Sunday, March 28, 2010

another day

I just realized that my one year blog anniversary has passed.
A disturbing thought crossed my mind the other day.....I haven't had sex in almost a year. That is just insane. How did this happen? How?????
I know this doesn't help all the emotions and things I have been going through. I would have never thought that would be an option in my life, ever. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. I had surgery and no life-threatening pathology reports. The consideration for another surgery has been looming, the process is slow but the benefit is life changing and life saving.
I constantly wonder about quality of life and where to go from here. I constantly wonder how long I can stand this roommate situation.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

broken glass

I am still having trouble getting on the internet with my laptop, so I am giving it a try on my blackberry.
Sometimes I can't decide if I am coming or going. Emotions so high and no release.
The title broken glass is an expression of what I am feeling. My glass is broken in most areas of my life, and sometimes when I feel the energy to help myself and pick up a piece, I get cut. All these little cuts are creating scars that I am scared may not heal. I want to heal, but now the journey is just something I do because I have to, not one I am enjoying or excited to see the healthy end.
The little bit of light that flickered off the glass is growing dim.
I question my strength to fight---i haven't completely given up, but I am so close and it seems so easy to do right now. Then I don't have to answer questions nor do I have to put on a face of the slighest bit of care. (And NO I have NO intentions of offing myself, NEVER would that be an option)
I want to believe I will get better and smile again, just not sure I want a new me. Change is envitable I know. But will I be bitter/angry/full of resentment as I am today and have been for more than a year????
Well I will sit and wait to see what the future holds....

Monday, March 8, 2010

Anxiety and online issues

I have been lucky enough to be able to actually get online. I tried all weekend and was not successful.
Work has been challenging, been training for a couple of weeks and teamwork is hard to come by lately.

On the verge of 2 potential surgeries and 1 confirmed within the next month. The confirmed one is just fixing some annoyance, but necessary. The other two will CHANGE my life. I am on pins and needles and anxiety is running high. The necessity of one of those is close to being a matter of life and death in my opinion. I wait impatiently!!!!

I am hoping to be enjoying the company of my BFF, very soon. Just come and stay forever, please????!!!! lol

And can I say damn those girl scout cookies......they are irresistable!!!! I really need to know why you can't just eat a few of the mints....I have only been able to eat a sleeve of them at a time, no matter my

Well it is late and I need to get to my comfy bed!!!